Tension

Positive turns to the negative, negative to the positive

(Image from: https://www.thegamer.com/rings-of-power-harfoots-interview/)

I’ve been thinking about negative turns and positive turns mostly because we are slowly working our way through The Rings of Power and wow, are there a lot of negative turns. Can’t these poor little Harfoots catch a break?? Anyway, I learned of negative/positive turns from Robert McKee’s tome Story. Essentially it’s the theory that when a main character experiences a negative turn, there must be a positive one to alleviate the tension otherwise the audience will disengage.

(Think of any Disney sidekick character—Sebastian and Lumier and Heihei—they all exist to provide comedic relief in moments of agonizing conflict.)

I’m thinking about negative/postive turns because it feels like I am living in one long negative turn. A bathroom project that just won’t end, two family members that are lingering on death’s door, sickness that takes our baby down every other week, higher living costs (daycare!), car issues and inflation without pay raises. Every Sunday we plan out our week and every day we have to shift and volley and make room for the unexpected Bad News.

Shit’s tough right now.

And yet.

***

I spent Halloween morning in the hospital with my father. I sat in the hospital recliner and graded and sent messages. The doctor finally came in and I stood and advocated hard for my family. The doctor and I disagreed. I felt the fall-out in my body, of the doctor setting us back two years, of anticipating and preparing for one path only to be set on a different one. I kissed my father’s cheek. I left and went to campus and taught my class. In the evening, I took my little boy, dressed as a lion, trick-or-treating for the first time. My neighborhood goes all out—group photos, and front-yard bonfires, and so much candy. After, we fed him pumpkin waffles and soup and we read books and had a bath and he fell asleep in my arms. Negative to the positive.

***

The week prior, before my father went into the hospital but just after we found out we might have a serious car repair to make, I texted my Good Friend Bee. Manifesting works, right?? I asked. I’ve been trying to lean harder into it, to believe in the energy in the world, and that if you lean into the good, the good will lean right back into you. I want to believe in mysticism and in unexplainable things. Strange coincidences and divine orchestrations. But it seems that the more I ask and call out for good, the more bad tumbles my way. It’s a victimizing perspective and I know that. But still. It’s one of the main reasons I walked away from evangelism. It wasn’t so much the Bad Things but that there was complete and utter silence from a god evangelism had promised loved me and cared and was listening. And yet something behind a veil calls to me, asks me to keep searching, tells me there are ghosts and fairies and angels and demons and spirits and mystery.

My Good Friend Bee reassured me. She gave me affirmations and mantras. And she reminded me—think of yourself at 20 years old and think of yourself now. Look at all you’ve built and created.

20 years ago I had no family resources, no net to catch me should I fail. I was working three jobs while in school full-time and even then had to put living expenses on a credit card just to make it each month. I leaned into good, I leaned into the tension, and have built a beautiful little life. My 20 year old self is astounded at my 40 year old self. I texted Bee, I want my 40 year old self to be astound by my 60 year old self. I really think she will be.

***

I wanted to send a newsletter about A New American Dream every week but well. In line with the American way, I’m in a season of hustling and depletion and turning my face towards the sun even when the sun seems always hidden in shadow. I’m living in tension and in waiting—of passively experiencing negatives turns and actively seeking out positive ones. Of such worry and psychological difficulty but also the sound of wind in the trees, the crinkle-crackle of leaves, the woodpecker knocking away on the trunk, my husband holding me tight, nestling my face into the curve of his shoulder, the dog dancing on her leash, the baby laughing at my silliness because right now, I am the most amazing and hilarious thing in his world.

***

In any good story, there’s always an underlying tension. There’s an inciting incident and the character is set forth on her quest; her desires and her values are put in conflict with one another. Something major is at stake and the tension ratches it up, the stakes get higher, until there’s a climax and resolution. How the character responds—the choices she makes throughout— shows exactly who she is in all her complexity. I hope I’m serving this story well.