Where Do I Go From Here? Part 2
On Slowing Down, Waiting for the Muse, and Social Media Use in the Time of Atrocities
Slow down Hold still It's not as if it's a matter of will Someone's circling Someone's moving A little lower than the angels
There’s an old Over the Rhine song called “All I Need is Everything” and still, a couple of decades later, I return to it over and over. It might be about god but to me it’s about the muse (which, yes, is the same to some people). It gets to the heart of struggling to write or create something that’s just there but not quite.
And it's got nothing to do with me The wind blows through the trees If I look for it it won't come I tense up My mind goes numb There's nothing harder Than learning how to receive
The posting one-poem-a-day project has slowed down and it’s only partially due to a toddler who is now waking at 5:00 a.m. rather than 7:30 a.m. The truth is almost all of the poems I’ve posted feel not-ready-yet. I’m not giving them the time they deserve and I’m not waiting for the word/image/rhythm. It doesn’t feel right.
There’s a difference between not-ready-yet and acceptable-level-of-failure. I’ve written long enough to sense the difference between the two. I’ve written a piece in 20 minutes, that needed very little revision, and was accepted for publication in an anthology shortly after. And I also have a 700 word essay that I started in 2017 and worked on until last year. It feels like it’s at that acceptable-level-of-failure though all the rejections on it might say otherwise. But most of these poems in this poem project—they feel achy, incomplete, like they’re waiting for something more.
Calm down
Be still
Got plenty of time to kill
No hand writing on the wall
Just the voice that's in us all
The truth though is that I often don’t see it until I’ve shared it. Is that selfish? Maybe. But rereading the poems through the eyes of an audience helps me see some things more clearly.
And you're whispering to me Time to get up off my hands and knees Cause if I beg for it, it won't come I find nothing but table crumbs My hands are empty God, I've been naive
I’m also struggling with putting my writing on social media. There are a lot of reasons for this but I think a big part of it is that we (and I mean the general population we) haven’t figured out how to use it appropriately.
Social media is for advertising —it’s a money-making machine and it sees how it can push us to harden into cog-shaped humans who keep the wheels of capitalism well-greased. For instance, there’s a way to only see your friend’s posts on Facebook but it’s tricky to get to and the click-path changes often. Facebook’s hope is that you hop into the feed and forget why you’re there thus making you more vulnerable to losing track of time and buying stuff.
The cognitive dissonance between seeing an ad for a dress, a how-to for breastfeeding, an image of a brutally beaten child, and a photo of a friend and her kids, well, I don’t believe we (again, generalized we) have the social, emotional, and psychological ability to wade through and process this experience yet.
I know that cognitive dissonance has existed with television but social media is meant for scrolling quickly for the next dopamine hit. For quick tid-bits. It’s not demanding that you sit with something. It’s demanding that you aspire to something and buy that something to get the feeling that you are achieving that aspiration.
This voice calling me to you It's just barely coming through Still I clearly hear my name I've been fingering the flame
Social media changed dramatically in the wake of George Floyd’s death. For weeks, influencers and the social-media-plebians (hi!) carefully posted or did not post. There was actual, massive change. And, then, like eels, most of us slithered back into our own little caves.
In the months after and as the mask and vaccine debates raged on, then the presidential election, I changed how I used social media; much of that had to do with learning more about troll farms and bots, how much power they actually had. Russia interfered in the 2016 election—we know this and we know that part of that was by creating fake accounts on social media sites. I think I can easily spot a fake account but the truth is, I’m too busy scrolling, I’m too busy reacting and shopping.
My fear, whether founded or not, is that America will become further divided by foreign entities that create social media accounts in order to spread mis/dis-information and/or to make us angry thus fraying our ties to each other to the breaking point.
I made a pact with myself in late 2020 not to repost anything (other than humor content) in which I couldn’t verify the source. It’s Comp 101. It’s what I teach. Use only if it’s a credible source. Triangulate the information—verify it against at least two other sources. And it turns out that I often couldn’t easily verify the source. I couldn’t find the real person behind the inflammatory, anger-inducing post. I also lacked time (baby, ill parents, FT job). I slithered back into my cave.
So from now till kingdom come Taste the words on the tip of my tongue Cause we can't run truth out of town Only force it underground The roots grow deeper In ways we can't conceive
There’s a genocide that’s happening right now. I really appreciate all my friends who are posting about these atrocities, who are continuing to bring attention to what’s beyond my safe little world. And I’m struggling with how to use social media. I’m going to sidestep here and talk more about some Comp 101 stuff but I’ll work to connect it, I promise!
In my comp course, we spend the first few weeks talking about genre conventions and how genre dictates what we (the writers) write and how it creates expectations for the readers. You know what to expect from an academic paper versus a children’s book. If a person goes into a movie theatre expecting to see a rom-com and 15 minutes into the film it turns into a horror slasher film, that person is going to be pretty pissed. We have different expectations for hip-hop music and country music and jazz. (Of course, there are ways to integrate genres but you have to be skilled and knowledgeable enough the integrate and transition between them—I’m speaking simplistically here).
Social media lacks the typical “genre conventions” that most public spaces and events generate. We know how to act at a funeral, a wedding, a concert, a memorial, a church service, a party. In these real-life community spaces, we know whether it’s OK to laugh and have fun or whether it’s a space to be somber, to grieve. There are details that indicate the tone and mood, how to process the information that’s given. There’s generally an expected dress code. There’s a casket or there’s a bridal gown or there’s peppy music or somber music. There’s a reciprocal relationship and reciprocal conversation instead of just writing a comment and getting no response. Whether we like it or not, context—in all its myriad details— dictates how we act.
Social media is amorphous. It lacks both the context and the audience consideration. It’s basically everyone you’ve ever met (or would like to meet) showing up in the same space and saying wildly different things. Picture yourself somewhere—a park, a gymnasium, your living room. Your grandma shows you a picture of a cardinal, Nike tells you to buy those shoes you looked at a month ago, Billy from high school is showing how silly his cat is, and Ruthie is sharing pictures of dead bodies and wants you to march to Washington. This all happens within the span of a minute or two. Multiple times a day.
In real life, your engagement with each would be different. Online, well, it can be difficult to process.
I understand why we post all these things. I understand that activism is disruption. I know that energy is contagious and that if we see someone we like and respect taking action we are much more likely to also take action. So many of us rely on social media to know what’s going on in the world and to connect with our friends and family and to take a break and dissociate because damn, who doesn’t like a video of a cat being silly? But we are lacking the structure of genre conventions to help guide us in how we hold all these different microcosms.
There’s a part of me that thinks posting on social media is only performative but I also acknowledge there’s an ease to sharing something with multiple people at once. My friendships are scattered and fragmented. I have friends from college, grad school, a former faith group, writing community, my work place, travels, concerts. I wish all my friends knew each other and we could gather around a big table and eat and drink and laugh into the early hours. I wish we could gather and be somber and grieve over the terrible things that have happened in the world and then go out and actually do something to create massive change.
As a writer who hopes to publish an actual book someday, I know I have to use social media. And I hate that I have to. I don’t have generational wealth and connections to publish with a ginormous publishing house that has a big marketing and PR budget. I am not an established Big Writer and therefore I will have to market my book. And, like most writers I know, I am not drawn to self-promotion. I don’t want to shout into the void. I want to be quiet and process what’s happening in the nation and world. I want to write and create. I want to give you good quality work.
All I need is everything Inside, outside Feel loose skin Feel the slip and the grip of grace again
My essay has grown legs and branches and, in a traditional American essay way, went in a totally different direction than I expected it to. What I’m trying to say is I’m fumbling. What I’m trying to say is I know we’re all making this social media shit up as we go along. What I’m trying to say is that I want to connect with you and you and you too.
I had wanted to share a poem a day over on my Instagram for several reasons but most of all I wanted to do so as a way to stopper capitalism. A month in and sharing on social media doesn’t feel right right now. So, what I’d like to do instead is send a poem or two or three in the mail to you. One poem I’m drafting and one poem written by someone else that I’m currently in love with. Maybe some other miscellaneous ephemera. Getting things in the mail is fun! I’d like to add a little delight to your life if I can.
If you’d like some poems mailed to you, send me your address at mlheide@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram or Facebook.
My hope is that, maybe, eventually, possibly I can grow a little community out of this. I’m seeing the outlines of a zine that includes your writing/art too if you are so inclined to share. I’d love to read what you are writing/thinking about!
Take care,
Melody